I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
