You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
