also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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