I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
