White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
