Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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