Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
