i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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