True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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