Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
