It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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