I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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