i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
