By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
