I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
only if we run a train.
done.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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