I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
