Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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