My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
