I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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