I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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