Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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