I have demons in me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
