dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
