Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
