You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
