you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
