is your mom at the bar?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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