is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
