Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
