i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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