Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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