Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
