Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
