They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
