party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
