Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
