she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
