i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
