girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Randomize
