The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
