Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
