I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
