you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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