I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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