Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
