Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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