im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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