You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
