Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
