...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
