He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
