i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dicks are not precious.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
