the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
