Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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