the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
