I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
