Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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