my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
