i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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